All's Fair in Bets and Pie
by VampireRide
Summary: Well, this story involves spirit animals, pie, Mike, Batch, pie, bets, pie, pain, injured manhood, pie, re-leech-inships, superman underwear, pie and if that's not enough for you to read it then nothing will be.


**I don't own MR**

**Fang**

I laid drowning in my midnight sheets, my face half buried into a feather pillow as I groaned quietly. Somewhere in the distance, my sleep deprived mind registered an electric ukulele being strummed at full blast, but I was too exhausted to bother getting up to find out why the heck Iggy was at my house at ten in morning playing my ukulele.

Next to me, resting on my nightstand innocently, my alarm clock buzzed, shaking with each annoyingly loud ring. It persistently created its dreadful noise every few seconds, determined to keep me up. However, the previously stated exhaustion kept me from even bothering to reach my arm out to its full length and shut the demonic device off. Instead I just closed my eyes and pulled the comforter over my head in an attempt to wash out the sound. It didn't work.

"Oh Fangarang!" A very familiar voice shouted brightly just as the ukulele solo ended. I sighed, letting a small smile pull on my lips. Oh Iggy and his nicknames. I pretended to hate them, but they never got old. A thunderous noise stormed up the stairs towards me when I didn't reply, and I opened my eyes to watch Iggy sprint into the room and bash me over the head with my own instrument.

Which is why I shrieked in fear when I realized Max was the one who was pushing the door open into my room. Where I lay in my bed. In only my underwear. Oh God. Our relationship wasn't ready for this. "Max get out!" I exclaimed, yanking the comforter back over me in a feeble attempt to protect what was left of my dignity. However, Max, not understanding that me telling her to get out means 'get out', walked right over to my bed, grabbed my comforter, and swiftly yanked it away from me. Exposing my whole body. And my boxers. This was definitely one of those 'FML' moments.

I watched my girlfriend for a long moment as she stared at me in shock, utterly frozen in place. Until finally she made that sound. That horrible sound. That sound that made me want to go find a hole to crawl in and kill myself. She giggled.

"Um… uh… wow, so Superman huh? I always pictured you as more of a Batman type of guy," Max managed to force out before bursting into hysterical laughter. If I was the type of person who blushed, which I wasn't, I probably would have had a face redder than the blood in my heart.

Yes, I will be the second apparently, to admit to the fact I had superhero boxers. And yes, this one just happened to be Superman themed. My Batman ones were currently in the dryer so I just grabbed the first pair I could get my hands on after my shower. Thinking back, I wish I could have gotten a more subtle pair that didn't have the actual symbol on it. Then again, I didn't think my girlfriend would barge into my room on a Saturday morning considering she doesn't even wake up till noon on the weekends unless her house is burning down. (Yes, that has actually happened before.)

"Well, it's because I…" I cleared my throat, my voice cracking from embarrassment as I tried to think of a save. "It's because I have a superman d-"

"Hey Fang! Get downstairs! It's about to- Oh. My. God." Iggy whispered quietly, looking between Max and me. "Are you two going to do…._the sex_?"

"What no!" Max exclaimed, her laughter beginning to subside at the accusation. Her cheeks turned an adorable rosy color as she stared down at the carpeted floor, her dirty blonde hair curtaining her face.

"Oh good, I was about to say there. Max you can do so much better than a guy who likes the most vanilla superhero ever." Iggy sighed with relief, leaning against the wall and fanning himself overdramatically with his hand.

"Hey Babe, so where are we going for the- Oh. My. God." And cue Lupo's entrance. Also known as Iggy's leech, or maybe girlfriend would be the more appropriate word. I guess two people that make out as much as them have to be more than friends. Although leeches does work well as their title.

"Yes, yes! I have superhero underwear and it's not batman! I'm sorry! Let me put some clothes on!" I snapped, trying to move the outrageous laughter right along. Grudgingly, I got to my feet and stormed over to my closet, listening to my friends' obnoxious laughter, and my girlfriend's melodic chuckling.

"Hey Fang!" Iggy called and I spun around, still only in my boxers, not really thinking about the fact that Iggy could have some horrible motive behind calling my name. However, the multiple flashes and clicks changed my mind. All three of my friends had their smart phones pulled out and aimed at me, clicking away as I growled and tried to get into my walk-in closet before they could get too much blackmail on me.

Somewhere on the other side of the door somebody wolf-whistled. "Wow Prince, you look like an underwear model," Lupo. Always with the sarcastic remarks. Instantaneously the laughter erupted into the room just right outside my closet door, leaving me to shove myself into a pair of dark skinny jeans and yank on a gray V-neck furiously. Why me? Why do they always find dirt on me? Why not on, oh I don't know, Iggy? He always managed to do embarrassing things when it was just me and him and my phone was in a different room. Never around other people.

When the laughing finally subsided and the footsteps faded off into the distance, I walked out of the closet, pulling my black beanie on over my ruffled hair so I wouldn't have to deal with it so early. I began to reach for my phone on the nightstand by me, when I froze. Max was still here. Sitting on my bed and smirking at me.

"You know," she started, standing up to her full five eight height, "I think its sexy," Max winked at me and I felt myself gulp. That was by far the hottest thing she's ever done in my presence.

"Teasing isn't nice, Max," I muttered, grabbing my phone, which ironically had a batman case on it, and stuffed it into my back pocket.

"I never said I was nice," with that she slinked out of the room. Right before I could shove her against a wall and make out with her. Shaking my head with a small smile on my face, I followed after my girlfriend, eager to find out what the three delinquent friends of mine were doing here.

* * *

"Wait Iggy, you said this was going to be a double date," Max pointed out as we all sat on the couch. Max was sitting next to me, and Iggy was sitting next to her, and Lupo was sitting in Iggy's lap making out with him. I watched as my best friend forced himself apart from Lupo just long enough to sigh and respond.

"It is. It's just a low-budget one," Iggy explained before crashing his lips back onto Lupo's. Max rolled her eyes and turned to me.

"Why aren't we like that?" She asked, gesturing towards the leeches.

"Well it's probably because we aren't sex addicts." I answered simply, chuckling as Iggy lifted his middle finger at me, not even bothering to separate himself from Lupo to scowl at me like he normally would.

"Hmmm, makes sense." Max nodded once before cuddling into my side, and I grinned to myself, draping my arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer so her head rested on my chest. I grabbed the remote with my free hand and began flipping through the channels on my large seventy-five inch flat screen TV that stood tall and proud just ten feet forward.

It took about thirty clicks, but I finally found the channel I was looking for. "Iggy, it already started! Oh look, that guy's about to lose it!" I exclaimed excitedly, struggling not to lean forward and shout at the screen with Max leaning on me so heavily. The last thing I needed was to jump up so quickly she fell and banged her head or broke something.

"Babe… Babe we need to stop…" Iggy mumbled, and the two leeches struggled to de-leech themselves from each other before Lupo finally pulled away completely and turned towards the screen. Wow. They actually had some sort of restraint. That was shocking to find out.

"Oh my God! Is Batch seriously on his seventeenth pie?" Iggy asked, astonishment in his gaze as he peered at the television in wonder.

"Sixteenth actually, but it's not like it's a big deal. Mike is on his twenty-third; now that's impressive."

"You don't think sixteen is impressive?" Iggy asked just as Lupo began to tug on his shirt collar again, a sly smile on her face. I grinned to myself, thinking back to when Max and I got lost in the lusting stage. It had included many long nights and many cold showers, but now that we were out of it we could freely peck each other on the lips and know we were in love.

Without a second thought Iggy glued their lips back together, and they stayed like that; glued together. Their lips never parting from one another's. Some of the sounds Iggy made were slightly disturbing, and every now and then I could feel Max jolt from getting elbowed from one of them, but other than that they stayed in their bubble and we stayed in ours.

"Not really, I mean, I bet I could eat at least twenty in the time it took him to eat sixteen," I shrugged off the idea, almost positive Iggy wasn't listening to me anyways.

"Iggy, stop touching Lupo's boob. This is the living room, not your bedroom," Max scolded and I turned over to the leech couple, watching with amusement as Iggy began to slide his hand down away from one area only to-

"Iggy!" Max snapped and he held both of his hands up in surrender before wrapping them around Lupo's waist as to keep them contained.

"You two have no shame, do you?" I asked, a smirk on my features as Iggy answered with a breathy 'no', before continuing to attempt to suck Lupo's tongue out of her mouth. Max shook her head at the couple before turning back to the television screen. Both of us watched the National Pie Eating Contest together, me with enough enthusiasm to represent every Spurs fan out there after the Championship, while Max was more like a Heat fan. There for the beginning, but definitely not the end.

"Iggy! There's only two minutes left!" I exclaimed, jumping to my feet and successfully knocking Max over more towards the middle of the couch. "GO MIKE! EAT BATCH OUT OF THE KITCHEN!" I hollered and watched out of the corner of my eye as Iggy did something that was about to ruin his re-leech-inship.

His icy blue eyes widened to the size of quarters as he yanked his lips away from Lupo's and, in one swift motion, shoved her over the armrest and off the couch. Her dirty blonde hair flew up around her as she fell to the ground on her back with a thud. However, Iggy didn't bother to ask if she was okay, instead he pumped his fist into the air, and began to shout along with me.

"COME ON BATCH! SHOW MIKE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!"

"Lupo! Are you okay?" I heard Max ask, and watched as she walked over to her best friend and helped the angered girl to her feet.

"Oh I'm fine… and _single,_" Lupo emphasized the word 'single' to try and see if Iggy would care, but he was too sucked into the battle of the stomach-size to bother with his re-leech-inship drama.

"GO! GO BABY GO! YOU CAN DO IT!" I shouted, hopping up onto my coffee table in excitement. Mike was on his thirty-third pie, and Batch was on his thirty-second. One pie away was not nearly a good enough lead. It would be easy for him to lose if he didn't eat faster.

"Fang never calls me 'baby' anymore. I think him and this Mike guy are hooking up behind my back," Max spoke casually to Lupo.

"His underwear is way too colorful for him to be straight," Lupo agreed and I rolled my eyes. If there wasn't a very important race for a title going on on the television I might have intervened in their false thoughts, but the NPEC was way too critical to even think about looking away from the television. So instead I just cheered on Mike and listened to Iggy cheer on Batch, hoping and praying beyond all else that Mike won. He deserved it much more than Batch anyways. The Bitch.

"And he uses way too many hair products. It takes him like an hour to style his hair before we go on a date-"

"Max! You weren't supposed to tell anybody that!" I whined, glancing to my girlfriend as she shook her head at me.

"It's okay girl. We'll have a girl's night tomorrow and talk about how small he probably is," Lupo consoled, setting her hand on Max's shoulder as she faked tears.

"Why do I always fall in love with the cheaters?"

"Why do I always fall in love with the children?" Lupo answered with a question of her own.

"Because you're a pedo!" Iggy snapped before looking back at the screen just as the buzzer went off, signaling the end of the competition. Both of us stood on the coffee table at this point, our fingers tugging viciously at our hair as we waited for them to count up the numbers. It was so close. They were barely a slice apart.

Finally, the main judge, a guy named Ronald with dark blonde hair and annoyingly light green eyes smiled at the audience as he walked over to Mike. "OH YEAH! I LOVE YOU, MIKEY!" I hollered and let out a whoop of approval before he began to walk past Mike. Right over to Batch.

"And this year's winner is Jake Batch!"

"NO!" I felt my life beginning to crumble just like a pie crust, turning into nothing but the soggy crumbs nobody wanted; the specks of pie filling nobody bothered with. The pan that was thrown away along with all of mine and Mike's hopes and dreams.

"OH YEAH! IN YOUR FACE, FANGALANG! YOU CALL THAT UNIMPRESSIVE?" Iggy screamed as I collapsed onto the leather couch behind me, feeling ripped apart like a badly sliced pie. Iggy hopped onto the couch and jumped up and down like a child, "You _lost!" _He grinned widely and jumped up and down some more before finally sitting down, a content grin on his face.

"Oh Fadoodle, how does it feel to know Batch beat Mike?" Iggy asked, leaning in towards me.

"How, how could that amatuer have beaten _Mike?_" I asked no one in particular, staring at the beige wall in front of me in horror. How was that possible? My hero had let a mediocre first time NPEC goer beat him?

"Oh and by the way, I'm going to take you up on that bet," Iggy added and I blinked in shock. My world had just fallen apart and he was going to bet me?

"I'm sorry, what now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"You said you bet you could eat twenty pies in the time Batch ate sixteen, well I'm going to take you up on that bet,"

"Okay, how much money we talking?" I wondered, sitting up a little straighter. This could be my chance to prove that I was truly Mike's spirit animal. That even though he lost, he still had me to carry on his legacy.

"Oh, when you lose I don't want your money. I want to hear your screams of pain as your manliness is ripped off of you. Strip. By. Strip." Iggy smiled widely, showing all of his whitened teeth as I gulped.

"Iggy, you're getting kinda bloodthirsty, aren't you?" I asked, poking his shoulder quickly before retracting my hand at the speed of lightning. He just chuckled darkly.

"Max, Lupo, you're going to need to pick some stuff up from the store," Iggy said, and I felt fear race through my veins.

* * *

"Alright so you have twenty minutes to eat twenty pies. You may use a fork, spoon, or your hands. If you fail to eat all the pie you will then face the punishment I had Lupo and Max buy for you,"

"I got the kind Ella uses!" Max chipped in brightly.

"God, how can you live with that… creature?" Lupo asked.

"I stay in my room. A lot." Max admitted and Iggy easily managed to wave the side conversation off.

"Anyways, twenty minutes, twenty pies. When I say go I'll press the button on the microwave and it will begin to count down. You ready Fang-a-doodle-doo?" Iggy asked, raising an eyebrow as he walked over to the stainless steel microwave and hovered his finger over the start button.

"As I'll ever be Iggy-roo," I said with a smirk of confidence. Of course I was going to win. I could eat pie faster than Max could eat a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies.

"Alright… ready, set, POTATO!" Iggy yelled and I almost took a bite before realizing he hadn't said go. "Okay now seriously," the childish man laughed at the look of absolute irritation I gave him before clearing his throat. "GO!" He shouted and pressed the button, and I began shovelling pie into my mouth like my life depended on it.

"Come on Loser! You're only on your tenth pie!" Max screamed in my face as I began to slow down. "You call yourself a man?" I half-glanced at my girlfriend as she yelled insulting words in my face that were meant to encourage me. I'd never seen her like this before. She was so riled up and in the zone. It was really hot actually, but I was too busy trying not to throw up to appreciate it.

"Ugh," I groaned, slowly forcing the last of the tenth pie into my mouth and moving onto the eleventh. Blueberry. Yum. If only I could sit back and enjoy this pie… in a couple years after the previous ten I had just eaten digested.

"Five minutes left, Faneegle," Iggy chimed up brightly, pausing his make out session with Lupo to let me in on the wonderful detail.

"Don't you give up! I am never going to have sex with a quitter!" Max snapped warningly, and I felt something kick into overdrive within me. Maybe it was the threat, or possibly the fact that blueberry was my favorite pie, but I quickly began to scarf it down, trying not to look around too much for fear the world would spin.

Eleven pies done. Nine to go. Three minutes left. I quit. I tried to seem like I could keeping going, but in reality I couldn't. I had had enough to last me at least a couple hours, maybe less considering how horrible I was feeling.

"Oh… oh no, it's coming back up," I choked out before jumping to my feet and sprinting to the nearest downstairs bathroom to empty the contents in my stomach. Max chased after me, and I was half afraid she was going to yell at me for 'giving up', but instead she pulled the beanie off my head and ran her fingers through my hair soothingly while I lost it.

"Wow Fangles, I'm impressed. You got farther than I thought you would have," Max told me conversationally, and I would have responded had I not been, oh yeah, puking my guts out!

When it was all over with, and I was sure I could hold what was left of the pie down, I reached my arm up to flush the toilet and immediately got a fresh toothbrush out of the drawer at the sink to brush the enamel out of my teeth. The toothbrush ended up being pink, which was slightly annoying, but I didn't mind since it was helping to rid my mouth of the horrible taste along with the minty fresh toothpaste.

"Oh, oh God. Why did the pie hurt me like that?" I asked Max after brushing my teeth three times and using mouthwash twice. "All I ever did was love it," I muttered, leaning against my girlfriend for support. She continued to stroke my hair as if that would solve all problems, and just nodded.

"Yeah you did. You loved that pie with everything you had. I'm sorry Fang, sometimes they just don't return the feelings. I know I wish you loved me as much as you love pie, but it will never happen…" Max's voice faded off dramatically and I chuckled lightly, shaking my head.

"You'll always be second best," I decided and she scoffed, shoving me away from her playfully.

"Oh! Loser! You now have to be punished!" Iggy exclaimed, rushing into the bathroom with Lupo right behind him. I sighed once again, looking down at my legs with a mixture of sadness and anxiety. I could already feel the pain tingling through my body and the punishment hadn't even started yet.

"Alright," I breathed out in reluctance, "A bet's a bet,"

* * *

"OW! MAX THAT FREAKING HURTS! STOP!" I begged, watching as Max sent me an apologetic smile before setting up another strip over my leg.

"Sweetheart, the more you think about it that worse it gets," Max explained lightly before yanking the strip of paper with wax on it, or whatever it is, off my leg, along with it a nice strip of leg hair.

"Alright, arms up, Prince." Lupo smirked as I cautiously lifted my right arm up high so she could put another Strip-From-Hell under my arm to rip away my armpit hair ruthlessly.

"Is this one going to hurt worse?" I asked weakly, already knowing the answer. In response, Lupo yanked it down, fast and hard, causing a howl of pain to escape my lips.

"On the bright side you're nice and smooth for Max." Iggy snickered brightly and I rolled my eyes as Lupo walked over to my other side, pushing my left arm up.

"I think we're going to have enough left over to do a Bikini wax too if you'd like," Lupo suggested and I turned to her with slight confusion crossing over my features. My eyebrows scrunched up in thought about what that could mean. A bikini wax? What kind of name was that anyways?

"Does that mean you'd wax my chest? I don't really have chest hair so it wouldn't work well." I told Lupo, who burst out laughing, along with Max and Iggy. What? Was I missing something important?

"No, bro, a bikini wax is, well it's…" Iggy leaned in to whisper the definition to me, and I could literally feel my eyes widening in shock as he explained.

"People actually do that?" I asked, bewildered by just the thought of it.

"Mostly girls, but yeah," Iggy answered and I glanced between Max and Lupo, wondering if they did such a thing.

"Do you guys, do you-"

"Whoa there, Fang. That is uncharted territory you do _not _want to enter," Iggy interrupted and I decided he was right before figuring I should answer Lupo's question.

"Hell no. Don't you dare even think about it! I will not put myself through that kind of pain! I can barely put myself through this kind of pain!" I hissed, just before Lupo cleared my left armpit of any and all hair. I yelped and instantly snapped my arm back down to my side. No sooner did I do that however, than did the pain in my legs increase by a million. Would the torture ever end?

"Alright, all done!" Max cheered, her eyes gleaming with evil happiness as she looked up to me. "How's it feel?"

"Painful," I muttered, getting to my feet and rubbing one of my legs with my hand to feel. "Smooth, but painful." Max laughed and stood up, giving me a quick peck on the lips before I zeroed in on Iggy, who had recorded most of the waxing session.

"I'd like to see you sit through that," I glared at him furiously, crossing my arms over my chest and feeling my armpits burn with irritation at the slight movement. Seriously, how did he even think of this kind of punishment?

"Uh Fang… I'm on the swim team at school," Iggy told me in a 'duh' tone, as if that would make everything alright. Of course it didn't. Him being on the swim team justified absolutely nothing.

"So?" I asked, throwing my hands up in annoyance.

"So, I shave my legs all the time. Didn't you know that? It reduces friction and makes you faster," Iggy explained scientifically. "I also get them waxed sometimes. It just depends on how I'm feeling and where Lupo's going,"

"Are you serious?" I asked, staring at him in disbelief. Iggy nodded soberly and I heard myself snort with amusement. "Welp, I'm not the only one who's lost their man card then."

"Yes, but you still haven't lost your V card, and until you've lost that too, you can't laugh," Iggy grinned wickedly and I huffed in annoyance, partly because he was right.

"You know what you-"

"Now, now, Fang, no name calling. Leave that for the politicians," Lupo interrupted and I grumbled under my breath as she patted my shoulder like a big sister would a little brother.

"Whatever," I growled, shoving past Iggy and out the bathroom, straight into the living room.

"It'd be better if we let him go mope in his room for awhile," Max decided as I walked away.

"Yeah, wouldn't want to make the Prince any angrier than he already is,"

"Who cares? I'm going to screw with him so badly he'll only see red!" Iggy piped up and I groaned as he skipped after me. This was going to be a long life.

**Hope you guys liked my attempt of a pure-comedy story.**

**Originally this was just going to be a one-shot, but I don't know.**

**If you guys want you can review with like different bet ideas and punishments and I might write more chapters if it gets popular enough**

**Soar on**

**VR**


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